Homeless in Sydney Part. I

Oh, guess what happens...

Me and a 'college' planed to make a road-trip to the north.
The planed starting time was saturday... we started wednesday. Night.

My plan was driving during the day, enjoying the scene of all the landmarks and stopping there and that...

No, we were driving through the whole (!) night, because my companion wanted to be at the beach in "byron bay" at the next day. It was - let's say very special... I mean, the Pacific "Highway" (the main-street which leads to the north) starts with four lanes. After about 100km it ends more as a main-street in a cruel small village with about six houses and a gas-station.
After 100km again, it's a three-lane again. Between, there are small streets which are going up and down. Left and Right. Mostly all of it together, so that you never know where you have to drive. The light from the car reaches only 20 meters, so after a few seconds you get the feeling to sit in a rollercoaster. A creepy rollercoaster - because all the time you get overtaken by a 80-tons-truck. Creepy as hell!

Finally, we made it to byron bay. We jumped out of the car and went down to the beach. Because I was driving the whole night through, I was very tired and so I fall asleep. In the sun. Guess what, I got sun-burned!

Because we were both still tired from the drive, so we had not the power to get anywhere on this evening. But we didn't stay and get some sleep, nooo!... we had to drive further north. I wanted to "surfer's paradise" - no, we drove to brisbane. It's like Sydney, were we actually came from, just so small that the only freaking thing we found was a cinema. Ok, well, let's go to the cine. Which movie? 2012. Again.

The Day was not over, no no... We didn't found an accomodation so we thought to go near a beach and sleep in the car. The only point we found were "Nudgee Beach".
It is a beach - and a freakin swamp! It was smelling like our school-toilets!
During we were waiting to reload the batterie of the GPS, we saw that the other vehicle on the parking place was shaking. and there was music. oh yea, a couble had sex and fun - and we didn't even get a damn beer! We were pissed of ...

Ok, we left that damn beach and went further north to Rainbow beach, because we wanted to go on an off-road trip on fraser island. Did we? You know the answer... but there's more on it!

Stay sad - part II will come soon...

And another heart is broken...

Well... after over 10 days of meditation (with food only every 5th day, and only a small meal),

and with some strong medicine, I decided not to leave Sydney.

The reason why, are not the people or the situation here - the reason are all those people back in Switzerland which I would disappoint, especially my father. He is working hard to make it possible for me to stay here and I have some deep respect for him.

But nonetheless, the situation here is just a BIG BAD FUCK YOU, ADRIAN. In that case, I need some time to let myself calm down and to rearrange my thinkings, so I changed my current bookings to get some holidays over the new years eve. And I came to a point where I had to make a decision about my further handling with my emotions:

1. I could keep taking the anti-depression-medicine, which makes it possible for me to feel something. But those feelings would hurt my at any chance and it means that I would lay crying in my bed every night, because that's the only thing I feel since I feel anything. I had one or two good moments, yes, but those were so short and everything just fucked up and it was hurting me more then I ever thought about.
2. Or, I could stop taking my medicine. At my current stage, it would lead me directly back into the depression. I wouldn't feel anything - no emotions at all - my life would still go wrong, but I wouldn't care about it, which means it wouldn't hurt me anymore. There won't be any 'good time' and it could lead at least to suicide. But until then, I wouldn't feel any pain - and I would never cry again.

When I had depression, I always had a low mood and I never smiled. I was pretending to be smiling, but just to not being an outsider and not because I was happy. I never felt happy - I never felt anything. The fact that I was not able to feel happy caused me much pain and I thought that it couldn't go any worse. But now, I discovered that feelings and emotions are resulting in so much more pain, that this what I had before was nearly nothing.

I will cease my dose - no more medicine. No more emotions, thought, but no more pain and nobody who can hurt me anymore. If it would drive me into suicide, well, so it should be - but i dear swear: Not in that damn country! This country may won the bloody battle among my emotions, but I'll never let it win the war about my life. Never!

so long....

The true

Read the lyrics of this song carefully, then those are exactly what I would say... every word!

I would do anything for love - Anything you've been dreaming of ...

And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
I'll never lie to you and that's a fact

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now
Oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that
Anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that

And some days it don't come easy
And some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all
And these are the days that never end

And some nights you're breathing fire
And some nights you're carved in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before
Or will again

And maybe I'm crazy
Oh it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me
No one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long as your dreams are coming true
You better believe it
That I would do anything for love
And I'll be there 'til the final act
I would do anything for love
And I'll take a vow and seal the pact

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way
Tonight
And I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

And some days I pray for silence
And some days I pray for soul
Somedays I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll

And some nights I lose the feeling
And some nights I lose control
Some nights I just lose it all
When I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

Maybe I'm lonely
And that's all I'm qualified to be
There's just one and only
One and only promise I can keep
As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true
You better believe it

That I would do anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
And I would do anything for love
And I'll never think of turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you
So long, so long
And I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No, no, no I won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

But I'll never stop dreaming of you every night of my life, no way
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that

Will you raise me up, will you help me down
Will you get me right out of this Godforsaken town
Will you make it all a little less cold

I can do that, Oh I can do that

Will you hold me sacred, Will you hold me tight
Can you colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white
Can you make it all a little less old

I can do that, Oh oh, now I can do that

Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand
Can you give me something I can take home

I can do that, Oh oh now, I can do that

Will you cater to every fantasy I got
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot
Will you take me places I've never known

Now I can do that Oh oh now, I can do that!

After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

I won't do that, No I won't do that

I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
And sooner or later, you'll be screwing around

I won't do that, No I won't do that
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No I won't do that

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

the result is affected!

I hear - or better, read - more often about people who say I (we?) making an elephant out of a fly.

In some cases, I agree with them - but in my case, not. I mean, even those people have to understand: I had over 8 years of depression, from the 13th to the 21st year of my life!
I mean, other (normal) people learn important social abilities in this specific period, like 'how to flirt', 'how to read body-language', 'how to kiss' - but I was strong introverted and not going out - which means, that I never learned those things, which seems so common for other people.

And, yes, those lack of social understanding affects our love-live.

Here's the last 'mistake' happened:

She

hello, what s going on?

10:30pmAdrian

errm.. Nothing - and you? hows going?

10:30pmShe

why are u bothering me all the time?

i think u are chasing me

10:32pmAdrian

parden?

10:32pmShe

i like u adrian but give me pls at least for one day a little bit of peace

10:35pmAdrian

oh, ok... didn't know that you felt hard pressed -

I'll let you all the peace and freedom you want, you just have to say it (because I wouldn't find it out by myself.

so, in this case:

I wish you a good night - if there is nothing more you wanna say

10:49pmShe

oh, thank u that u understood me, i didn t want to be impolite but i had to say that

good night

As you can see, she felt herself hunted and bothered by me, but I didn't even notice that it was too much.

There's a small line between ensnaring someone - and may get a date - and being treated like a stalker. But I never learned, where this line is...

Hopefully, she don't got a too bad impression from this, but it's a good example that it - sadly - happens so often to me that I cross a line I never knew.

If she would say "stop", then I would instantly stop, but she wouldn't do it that easy because she can't know that I'm loveshy. And on the other side, opening a conversation with "hey, I'm an absolute beginner and have no Idea how to interact with women" is not a good pick-up line.

So, saying what you are and fearing her (away) or acting totally wrong and loose her too.

There are always two ways, and none of them is good.

so long

Adrian

Related Links (Shortpost)

I may have enough time to write here a whole book down,

but writing here just puts me down even more and makes me sad - so I keep it short.

Some people (who might know me) are may confused about my beeing, feelings, acting, etc. so I put down here a list with some links. I think if you read - maybe just some of them - then you'll see more clearly what intricate kind of situation I am now.

May you be scared or you think "what a bullshit", but seriously, this is HOW I AM. It's bullshit, yeah, but it's the god damn truth!

Small tipp: Some of the Wiki-articles are avaible in other languages - look on the left, down corner, a box named "Languages"

-----------------------------English------------------------

• Wiki-Article about "Love-Shyness"

Gilmartin had seven criteria for each "love-shy man" he included in his study:

• He is a virgin.
• He rarely goes out socially with women more than just friends.
• He has no history of any emotionally close, meaningful relationships of a romantic and/or sexual nature with any member of the opposite sex.
• He has suffered and is continuing to suffer emotionally because of a lack of meaningful female companionship.
• He becomes extremely anxiety-ridden over so much as the mere thought of asserting himself vis-a-vis a woman in a casual, friendly way.
• He is strictly heterosexual in his romantic and erotic orientations.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

• Wiki: "Selective Serotonin reuptake inhibitor" - The medicine I was taking the last years.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or are a class of compounds (medicine) typically used as antidepressants in the treatment of depression, anxiety disorders, and some personality disorders.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_serotonin_reuptake_inhibitor

• Wiki: "Major depressive disorder"

... is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities

Depressed individuals have shorter life expectancies than those without depression, in part because of greater susceptibility to medical illnesses and suicide. Current and former patients may be stigmatized.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

• Wiki: "Social Stigma" - That's what I have

Social stigma is severe social disapproval of personal characteristics or beliefs that are perceived to be against cultural norms. Stigma is often based irrational or unfounded fears, lack of education,[...]

Stigma comes in three forms:^[4] Firstly, overt or external deformations,[...] or of a physical disability or social disability, such as obesity. Secondly, deviations in personal traits, including mental illness, drug addiction, alcoholism.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma

• Wiki: "Involuntary celibacy"

the state of a person who has not established an intimate relationship or engaged insexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy or sexual abstinence. The term is used especially for people who, despite general expectations, have had little to no sexual or romantic experience.

In other words: a virgin who don't wanna be a virgin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_celibacy

The list would never end, but I do now.

If you wanna find out more, just type in these words into google - you'll see, theres a lot stuff about that on the internet.

A bad sense (Shortpost)

This evening, i was standing in front of the person I love and tried to do some smalltalk... I better shouldn't...

To break the ice iI asked the question "And what are you gonna do this evening?"
Before she really knew what to say, I already knew the answer - and moments after I wished i had never asked.

She started with the words "I'm going to..." and I finished with "...meet a men. A date." - "Yes - how'd you know?!..."

Well... it was not like an unexpected slap in my face - it was more like a 40-ton-truck i spoted 20 killometers before drove just over me...

As a friend, I wish her the best - but as a rival, I wish this jerk would be hitten by a car (not visual spoken).

Me and a prostitute...

Diese Zusammenfassung ist nicht verfügbar. Klicke hier, um den Post aufzurufen.

Yes, I am an 'AB'

(for german, see below | fuer deutsch biutte weiter unten schauen)

One of the most kept secrets of me were the fact, that I am an AB - an 'Absolute Beginner'.

But I realised now, that the first step to get over it is, to not hold it longer as a secret. People can't help you if they don't know that you have a problem. Now, I shout it out loud - because people, out community, has to face the fact that there are people with problem - and I think: Woman have to learn that the man in front of her has maybe a problem and she should help him.

What is an AB?

'absolute beginner' are people who lives in an involuntarily celibate:

An involuntarily celibate person is someone who fails to initiate or sustain a sexual or romantic relationship, despite his/her desire to experience such a relationship. Afflicted people may suffer from loneliness, frustration, depression, and may be mistaken for homosexuals who are hiding their sexuality. - Wikipedia, English

There is a video (audio track) which declares it very good:

all I can say :

He's so damn right!

These man needs help. I need help.

I think everyone must start accepting that there are some people out there who have no Idea how to speak to other people, who can't have a conversation, neither smalltalk and of course not a flirt, and I think its a problem of our community, that exactly those people were left out and never invited, which makes them even more 'unsoccial' and not aible to communicate. (End it all ends in an endless circle of depression and frustration)

I think, people have to know that there are people like me, who never learned how to interact with others and people who are not able to make a connection - not in friendships and neither relationships.

Don't lock us out - help us!

thanks for listening....

_______________________________GERMAN / DEUTSCH_________________________

Eines meiner wohl am best gehueteten geheimnisse von mir ist - war - die tatsache dass ich ein 'AB', ein 'absoluter beginner' bin.

Was ein AB ist?

Reportage AbsoluteBeginnerMP4 Kobalt @ www.polylog.tv/videothek

Jung-Sein bedeutet heute fast automatisch heiße Leidenschaft, wechselnde Beziehungen und zwangloser Sex. Doch es gibt viele Menschen, die nichts von all dem erlebt haben. Keine Schmetterlinge im Bauch, keinen Kuss, keine Umarmung, kein "Ich liebe Dich" und kein Händchenhalten. Nichts davon. Nur bleiernde Einsamkeit und die Sehnsucht nach einem Partner.

Auf gut deutsch: Ich bin unberuehrt - unfreiwillig.

Es ist nicht peinlich - es ist eine psychisches Problem.

Ich habe jahrelang das alles einfach hingenommen - aber ich denke, der beste erste Schritt zum loessen dieses Problems ist, es zu akzeptieren, darueber zu reden und dafuer einzustehen.

Folgender saetze stammen aus eine Artikel von jolie moechte ich zittieren :

http://www.jolie.de/artikel/absolute_beginner.html_1143.html

"Das Schlimmste ist, wenn der DJ plötzlich die klassischen Lovesongs spielt. Dann liegen sich die Pärchen in den Armen, und man steht allein da."

Mehr als den Sex vermisst Thomas Zärtlichkeit und Nähe. Nicht die Aufreißertypen beneidet er, sondern die glücklichen Pärchen, die im Sommer die Innenstädte und Parks bevölkern. Dass sogar Teenager Hand in Hand herumlaufen und er noch alleine ist, versetzt ihm einen Stich.

"Diese Art von Unerfahrenheit ist einfach nicht gesellschaftlich akzeptiert, man fühlt sich als Loser"

Besser haette ich es selbst nicht sagen koennen.

In einer Gesellschaft wie der heutigen werden solche Leute einfach ausgeschlossen - das loest zwar das Problem kurzzeitig fuer die anderen, aber fuer mich (und viele andere) wird das Problem immer mehr verschaerft und langzeitig schadet das auch dem system: denn eine deprimierte Person arbeitet schlechter, langsamer, kostet dem staat mehr kranken-gelder und zieh auch andere mit runter.

Es ist kein Schwerz und keiner sollte darueber lachen

Ich habe gelernt mit einem Hammer umzugehen, aber ich habe nie gelernt mit andern Menschen umzugehen.

Du lachst vielleicht ueber mich, weil ich nicht flirten kann - und ich lache weil du deinen Daumen triffst.

Fehlende Erfahrungen und unwissenheit resultieren oft in einer Scheue vor gewissen Dingen. Ein Beispiel:

In unserem Betrieb haben wir grosse Maschinen -

ich selbst habe keine scheue davor, weil ich gelernt habe, wie sie funktioniert und was ich tun und nicht tun darf. Aber die meisten Menschen die ich treffe machen einen grossen Bogen um diese Maschine, weil sie Angst davor haben, was passieren koennte.

Ich mache einen grossen Bogen um Beziehungen, weil ich angst davor habe, was passieren koennte - aber andere menschen haben keine Scheu davor, weil sie gelernt haben wie sie funktioniert und was sie tun duerfen und was nicht.

Meine Unwissenheit, scheuheit und mein Handeln sind gleich wie bei jedem anderen Menschen auch - nur der grund, das subjekt der unwissenheit ist ein anderes.

in diesem Sinne:

Schliesst uns nicht aus - helft uns!

danke fuers zuhoeren...

What do I believe?

People often ask me, what religion I have and in what I believe in.

The answer is short, but hard: Nothing!

I don't believe in god, nor in a higher constitution, I don't believe that there is a heaven, hell, nirvana, or whatever else. No creed. No god.

This also imply that I don't believe in Love or other Feelings !

If we find a specific person, our subconsciouses analyze the pheromones (smelling) of the other person and compares it with our own DNA and tries to find a solution, like a good combination at the immunity-system against diseases. If it finds it, our body is giving us a big amount of 'feel-good'-hormones, such as serotonin.

At the end, our feelings or stuff called "love" is just a chemical process.

Relationships, friendships and co. are just some chemical actions following specific patterns.

... that's "love" for me: Nothing.

Why? Why you don't believe in god?

I don't know - I think it just came through the time I had depression, which are the last 8 Years now (from the time I was 13 up to now, 21).

Basically, I'm born into a catholic family. I wanted to spend the Sunday otherwise, but my mother took me every Sunday to the church and mostly also on holidays. But I think that's normal, because children mostly don't understand what happens or what the sense is in religion. They just wanna play - not prey. But I followed the waz they gave me. Hey, I even were an altar boy (acolyte) !

The years gone by and more and more I only were going to the church at some holidays (like christmas or new year) and more and more I lost my interests in the church and his preys

The time, where I definitely turned of the church were at my first year in high school (called "sekundar school" here in switzerland):

Those times were the hardest for me, because there I had my first depression and it was one of those moments in live where everything went wrong. And one day, I asked myself:

If there is a god, why should he do that to me?

I mean, the answers are more complicated then you or me expected:

I asked this to some strong believing folks and they told me this answers - which I couldn't really believe:

• "God can't take care of all of us at the same time"
  Ok, beside that everyone is saying that he's 'allmighty' and 'he can see everything', there is a mean point in that statement: During one of our handiwork-lessons in school, a hammer fall off the cupboard - but thanks the care of god, the hammer missed the fingers of the most hated person at the school.
  So, god do take care of a bad person with a problem with a duration of 0.2 seconds - but he can't take a moment of care of a boy/man who has a (finally) 8-year-long depression?
  
  If he can't take care of me (during 8 years, though), why I should then pray to him?
  
  
• "God is testing your faith"
  Giving a boy in the prime time of his life a deep depression sounds like a mean test from an ashole - and i don't pray to an ashole, neither to a mean god.
  
  
• "It was not the work of god, it was the work of the devil, of a bad source"
  Maybe I should pray then to that, because it was stronger then him, definitely.

So, in the End I came to the result that god is blind, weak or just an ashole - all together no good arguments to make someone praying.

Why this Blog?

may you've seen already the first post.

Story's like that take down your mood and are maybe enjoyable, but at least they make you feel bad - doesn't matter how you or I gonna try to write them, at the end there stands the story, alone, and the story tells you that something went bad and that shit happened to me.

These stories are not honorable, neither they are fun.

This stories are standing here, because they were (and are) a part of my life - and we have to accept that.

Maybe, someone can learn out of it and change something in his own life or another person get this "hey, my life isn't that bad against that..." or "hey, I'm not the only one..." -thinkings and if I can only help at least one person, the publication of my experience had his sense.

I missed Thursday

You'll not believe what happened to me - in fact, I'm still not believing it for myself!

Today, I woke up after a good sleep with a nice dream. I had a look on my watch and saw, that it's 8:16 and there were no alarm clocks chiming. "ok, I'm late again" I thought - "but only 16 minutes" , thats not much - I still can catch the bus and be there on Time. Then I went to the bathroom. On half way, I recognized that it was dark outside.

"Wait a second!" - it was NEVER dark outside when I went to the bus!

Maybe I was a little bit tired, but I felt that something was definitely not right at this morning. Back in my room, I had a second look at my watch and the alarm clocks, to see why they not went of... I looked on my watch and saw that over the number '8' was a small sign standing there.

I took a closer look and saw It's name: 'PM'.

wait, PM ?! "no.. GOD, NO!!" I yelled.

8:16 PM!! It was not morning, it was already NIGHT !! Caused by this shock, my mind instantly was in his full power and I began to realize, what I had done - or, better, what I DIDN'T do that day!: I missed school, okay, that was obvious. I missed class Tuesday morning and now I missed the whole Thursday! Not good, but still repairable.

Oh, and I missed to bring my classmate the costume for the party.... " THE PARTY!!

oh no!! I graped my wallet and took out my ticket for the Party-Boat... "Pyrmont Bay"... that means I can be there at least at 9 o'clock... then I had a look on the starting date. 7pm. God damn!

I missed class - again!
I broke my word on someone I respect. Again!
I missed a booked event, which I was happily looking for. - Again!

God damn it.