And another heart is broken...

Well... after over 10 days of meditation (with food only every 5th day, and only a small meal),

and with some strong medicine, I decided not to leave Sydney.

The reason why, are not the people or the situation here - the reason are all those people back in Switzerland which I would disappoint, especially my father. He is working hard to make it possible for me to stay here and I have some deep respect for him.

But nonetheless, the situation here is just a BIG BAD FUCK YOU, ADRIAN. In that case, I need some time to let myself calm down and to rearrange my thinkings, so I changed my current bookings to get some holidays over the new years eve. And I came to a point where I had to make a decision about my further handling with my emotions:

1. I could keep taking the anti-depression-medicine, which makes it possible for me to feel something. But those feelings would hurt my at any chance and it means that I would lay crying in my bed every night, because that's the only thing I feel since I feel anything. I had one or two good moments, yes, but those were so short and everything just fucked up and it was hurting me more then I ever thought about.
2. Or, I could stop taking my medicine. At my current stage, it would lead me directly back into the depression. I wouldn't feel anything - no emotions at all - my life would still go wrong, but I wouldn't care about it, which means it wouldn't hurt me anymore. There won't be any 'good time' and it could lead at least to suicide. But until then, I wouldn't feel any pain - and I would never cry again.

When I had depression, I always had a low mood and I never smiled. I was pretending to be smiling, but just to not being an outsider and not because I was happy. I never felt happy - I never felt anything. The fact that I was not able to feel happy caused me much pain and I thought that it couldn't go any worse. But now, I discovered that feelings and emotions are resulting in so much more pain, that this what I had before was nearly nothing.

I will cease my dose - no more medicine. No more emotions, thought, but no more pain and nobody who can hurt me anymore. If it would drive me into suicide, well, so it should be - but i dear swear: Not in that damn country! This country may won the bloody battle among my emotions, but I'll never let it win the war about my life. Never!

so long....