Homeless in Sydney Part. I

Oh, guess what happens...

Me and a 'college' planed to make a road-trip to the north.
The planed starting time was saturday... we started wednesday. Night.

My plan was driving during the day, enjoying the scene of all the landmarks and stopping there and that...

No, we were driving through the whole (!) night, because my companion wanted to be at the beach in "byron bay" at the next day. It was - let's say very special... I mean, the Pacific "Highway" (the main-street which leads to the north) starts with four lanes. After about 100km it ends more as a main-street in a cruel small village with about six houses and a gas-station.
After 100km again, it's a three-lane again. Between, there are small streets which are going up and down. Left and Right. Mostly all of it together, so that you never know where you have to drive. The light from the car reaches only 20 meters, so after a few seconds you get the feeling to sit in a rollercoaster. A creepy rollercoaster - because all the time you get overtaken by a 80-tons-truck. Creepy as hell!

Finally, we made it to byron bay. We jumped out of the car and went down to the beach. Because I was driving the whole night through, I was very tired and so I fall asleep. In the sun. Guess what, I got sun-burned!

Because we were both still tired from the drive, so we had not the power to get anywhere on this evening. But we didn't stay and get some sleep, nooo!... we had to drive further north. I wanted to "surfer's paradise" - no, we drove to brisbane. It's like Sydney, were we actually came from, just so small that the only freaking thing we found was a cinema. Ok, well, let's go to the cine. Which movie? 2012. Again.

The Day was not over, no no... We didn't found an accomodation so we thought to go near a beach and sleep in the car. The only point we found were "Nudgee Beach".
It is a beach - and a freakin swamp! It was smelling like our school-toilets!
During we were waiting to reload the batterie of the GPS, we saw that the other vehicle on the parking place was shaking. and there was music. oh yea, a couble had sex and fun - and we didn't even get a damn beer! We were pissed of ...

Ok, we left that damn beach and went further north to Rainbow beach, because we wanted to go on an off-road trip on fraser island. Did we? You know the answer... but there's more on it!

Stay sad - part II will come soon...

And another heart is broken...

Well... after over 10 days of meditation (with food only every 5th day, and only a small meal),

and with some strong medicine, I decided not to leave Sydney.

The reason why, are not the people or the situation here - the reason are all those people back in Switzerland which I would disappoint, especially my father. He is working hard to make it possible for me to stay here and I have some deep respect for him.

But nonetheless, the situation here is just a BIG BAD FUCK YOU, ADRIAN. In that case, I need some time to let myself calm down and to rearrange my thinkings, so I changed my current bookings to get some holidays over the new years eve. And I came to a point where I had to make a decision about my further handling with my emotions:

1. I could keep taking the anti-depression-medicine, which makes it possible for me to feel something. But those feelings would hurt my at any chance and it means that I would lay crying in my bed every night, because that's the only thing I feel since I feel anything. I had one or two good moments, yes, but those were so short and everything just fucked up and it was hurting me more then I ever thought about.
2. Or, I could stop taking my medicine. At my current stage, it would lead me directly back into the depression. I wouldn't feel anything - no emotions at all - my life would still go wrong, but I wouldn't care about it, which means it wouldn't hurt me anymore. There won't be any 'good time' and it could lead at least to suicide. But until then, I wouldn't feel any pain - and I would never cry again.

When I had depression, I always had a low mood and I never smiled. I was pretending to be smiling, but just to not being an outsider and not because I was happy. I never felt happy - I never felt anything. The fact that I was not able to feel happy caused me much pain and I thought that it couldn't go any worse. But now, I discovered that feelings and emotions are resulting in so much more pain, that this what I had before was nearly nothing.

I will cease my dose - no more medicine. No more emotions, thought, but no more pain and nobody who can hurt me anymore. If it would drive me into suicide, well, so it should be - but i dear swear: Not in that damn country! This country may won the bloody battle among my emotions, but I'll never let it win the war about my life. Never!

so long....